Guardian Angels

Although I may not see you anymore
I cant share any more smiles
or more times of fun.

I will always remember that
when life seems to get hard again
that you all battled until the very end.

If things happen that seem hard
I'll remember what you guys went through
and never give up
as it was never as hard as that.

So if things seem to be hard
And I'm struggling to cope
I know i have twelve very special
guardian angels looking down on me
wishing me to cope.

So even when I want to give in
I will always remember you guys
and never give up.

I will achieve my dreams
not just for me but for you guys to
as you could never fulfill all of yours.

At least I know where you are
and that your together
having a laugh that you could
never really share before.

I will never forget you guys
your memories will always
live on within me.

A musing and other things

How quickly you can get used to something different! After living alone for 3years and spending the majority of my evenings alone, at first it was weird having D around every evening when we moved into together 8months ago. Now when he is missing for an evening I feel abit lost and don't know what to do with an evening by myself. I always thought I would be greatful for an evening alone but it appears that is not the case. I miss having him in the house, even if we are not in the same room its the knowledge he is there if I wanted to have a random chat. Is this a sign of dependence on him or just a sign that I've turned into an old married woman who craves routine rather than the abnormal?? Who knows.

August has been a bit of a busy month in some ways, it certainly feels like lots has been going on anyway! Lots of wedding preparations have been done, with things marked off the to do list we created. Birthdays have been celebrated, including seeing my grandma turn 85. She is a very special lady to me and this year has been abit of a tough year with her health, with lots of ongoing tests to try and work out what is going on and if anything can be done or if its just the effects of old age. My biggest worry is that she wont be well enough to travel for my wedding, but I know by hook or by crook she will be there if she is capable.

Things to look forward to:
Celebrating A turning 4 with a party and watching his face (hopefully) beam in delight at the presents we have got him. I can't wait to see him celebrate his birthday!

It is also my birthday this year, but so far I'm not really feeling it and could quite happily let it go by. All I have asked is that I get to spend the day with D & A but otherwise I couldnt care less what I do or anything else. D has said he will take me for a birthday meal though to one of my favourite resturants which I haven't visited for awhile, so thats kind of exciting.

I also have a dress fitting coming up for getting it altered so it is the correct length and need to have my wedding shoes and underwear with me for the fitting, so thats quite exciting!

September is full of lots of exciting things which I will blog about as they happen

May-July

So its been awhile! I had a great period of health and managed two whole months before I needed to go back on IVs, however when I did need to go back on them it was felt a weeks stay in hospital would be beneficial boo!

I've been on holiday to Hafan Y Mor, Pwellheli with D and A in a caravan. It was a great week and I took over 300 photos from it. We had lots of fun doing different things during the day and meeting up with D's family in the evening for an hour or so in the club so A could meet the characters (I think his favourite may have been Rory the Tiger but he seemed to enjoy a cuddle with Anxious the Elephant too).

Plans have been afoot for the wedding and we are now down to the final things that need to be sorted, organised or bought ready for October.

At the end of July I made the very hard decision to step down as Beaver Scout Leader from my beaver group to enable concentration on my health for awhile and to ensure I am in tip top condition for the wedding. I am sure I will return to scouting but for now I am having a couple of months out.

I have started on a new nebuliser antibiotic which is 3 times a day, it is done a month on a month off. On the month off I will be started on the TOBI podhaler, which is meant to be better than the bramitob nebuliser. Both of these things and a set of IVs that have been prebooked for the start of September as a precautionary thing are all to enable to enjoy my wedding to the best that I can and not be too poorly or tired on the day.


Birthdays have been celebrated and time has been enjoyed with A and D at home doing general stuff like trips to the park, time in the garden ( A is currently loving helping D water the plants in the garden and generally help in a big boy way) and playing with play-dough.

This coming month we have more birthdays to celebrate, a trip to the cinema to see Smurfs 2 and a free breakfast at the local beefeater that was won in a raffle.

2013 is whooping my ass

2013 is so far turning out to be a tough year.

3weeks of January was spent in hospital fighting off an infection and sorting out a collapsed lung.

I managed 2 weeks at home, where I then ended up going back on home IVs. Towards the end of the home IVs I started to feel unwell again and ended up going into hospital and having another 2weeks of IVs-so four weeks in total.

I have once again managed another 2weeks at home, during which time I have picked up a chesty cough virus thing and coughed up some blood which means tomorrow I will be starting yet another 2 week course of IVs, at home.

So far this year I have spent 7 of the 13 weeks on IVs, after the next 2 weeks it will be 9weeks out of 15 on them. I do not like these statistics. I don't remember the last time my IV time outweighed my non IV time in a year.

Changes are once again being made to my medication routine to try and get me past 2weeks before needing IVs.

Day 13

Have you ever had your heart broken? Have you ever broken a heart?

My heart has been broken when friends have died. I have been upset when I have split up from previous relationships but I don't think they have ever left me heartbroken.

To my knowledge I have never broken anyone elses heart.

Day 12

If you could wish for anything that would come true, what would you wish for?

I would wish that D got to have full custody of A, so that they were both happy all of the time. D is an amazing father and deserves to spend more time with his son than he is currently allowed.

Day 11

Who can’t you live without?

 I can't live without my mum. She is my constant, my rock. She is always there to support me no matter what. Even if its something stupid I have done she will always be there to help in anyway she can. I don't how I will cope when my mum is no longer around to talk to and turn to. We speak almost every day in some format whether it be by call, text, fb or in person.