A mother's intiution

I have decided there is truly something special about mums. I haven't said anything to her about feeling down or really upset but she can obviously tell. Just after christmas I was going to buy a stand with 12 fairies on, and she got it for me and said I would have to wait until easter for it. I said this was ok. Well today she just gave it to me and she said she thought I could do with a smile and that its not my easter present early but just something extra because I deserve it and here it is:
It's not the best picture of it, so if you want to see a better one visit http://www.nemesisnow.co.uk and search for Fairy Realm and you will see the picture they have which is the same as what I've got.

Mothers really are the best, knowing that she will always be there. Even when I don't talk she still knows and offers her unwavering support. It's nice to know

Feeling so incredibly lonely and upset right now.

I don't know where to turn or who to talk to, so I thought maybe writing a blog post might help.

I need something or someone who's completely impartial and that I can vent at and not have to worry that the topic will come up again when things are fine again.

I just don't want to feel like this anymore. Being in tears 3 times in one day is too much and feeling so tired and upset that your crying yourself to sleep just isn't good.

I don't even know how to start saying what's upsetting me so I guess this blog post wasn't all that useful. I guess I just want a day that's not stressful or taken up so much by health things right now-i want a time out on life just for a shortwhile.

Meet Skittles

This is skittles :o) She loves the tubes in her cage and spends alot of time in them, and also likes running in her wheel!

Managing medical stuff

The last few days haven't been all that great for a number of different reasons. One of these reasons is managing the different problems that CF and diabetes have. I can cope with the regime required for CF, it's something I've done all my life and while it's a pain to do nebulisers and physio and work out your time to fit them all in around what you want to do. I can do that and if I miss a dose or a session of physio I don't feel too bad. What I struggle with is the diabetes.

I need to test my blood glucose levels a minimum of 4times a day (before each meal and before bed) so that I can work out the correct dose of insulin I need to do based on the carbohydrates I eat and what my blood glucose level is so that I stay within the target range of 4-7 before a meal. So after those four stabs with a needle to get the blood I then have to do insulin which is another 4 needles. Then if I choose to have a snack in the day, I will then need to give more insulin which is extra needles. It's alot of needles in a day- at least 8 and then more if I need extra food, which is recommended for those with CF. I get 10g of carbohydrates "free" before I need to do insulin, but not alot of foods suitable for a CF diet have less than 10g of carbohydrates before I then need to do insulin. For example I could eat 1 ginger nut biscuit (7g) or 2 rich tea biscuits (10g), but if I wanted a chocolate bar I would have to do insulin. This then makes you weigh up whether the food is worth it, is that piece of cake you really fancy worth another needle, it takes the fun and enjoyment out of just being able to have a snack and not worry about it. So I get my diabetes under control but then I get moaned at by my CF team because my weight is going down, because I don't eat the snacks because I don't want to keep doing lots of insulin.

The main issue I have is now that I got into a good routine of checking my blood glucose levels properly (I got into a bad habit of not ever really checking them and just hoping for the best), I now feel guilty when I don't check them. Like if I have a meal out and I wasn't expecting so didnt have my blood meter with me, it makes me feel bad that I haven't checked them. This is one of the hardest routine for me to stay in, and when it starts to slip I lose it very quickly. It's not like a missed physio session which I easily pick up again. I get into a mindset where I didnt check it at lunchtime, so I wont check it at teatime because I dont want to look at it incase its running high, so then I wont do it before bedtime either and that very quickly leads to 3or 4 days where I havent done any testing. Thats not a good thing. I know that my control is still good based on how I'm feeling and that if I did just check my bloods at the next meal it would prevent things from getting bad if they were a little high because I could correct it straight away. It's just hard to see an elevated number when all you are doing is trying your best and you can't work out why it is like that.

Sometimes I get high numbers but I know why that is and I'm not worried. It's when you get an elevated reading and you don't know why that it can be very frustrating and down-heartening. To think that your best efforts aren't good enough. Although my worry more at the moment is not of going high but going low.

My insulin dose is correct most of the time, but sometimes it causes me too go to into a hypo (which isnt good) but if I lower my insulin dose then I run high. So I currently run a fine line between good blood glucose and running too low. When I go hypo, I need to get something sugary and fast otherwise I will end up passing out and then this needs to be followed by something like toast or a packet of crisps to stabilise my blood sugars for when I next eat, otherwise I will just then run high (it can be a very vicious cycle). So I now always always always make sure I have some sweets in my bag when I go out, where as before I didnt worry too much about it as I knew I would most likely be ok. Now I just cant be certain.

Life is complicated when you have medical issues and thats before you then try and cope with the day to day life of normal stuff like relationships and just general living and trying to have a good time.

I think this post is probably long enough now.

Catch-up

I just realised I haven't blogged in a few days (well nearly a week) and I was having a look back through some of my posts what I had put.

I also only just saw some comments from some friends and they made me smile to realise that people cared even if it doesnt seem it some of the time.

Things are going better now!

On Saturday I went to an agility dog show with my bf and his mum and their two dogs. Me and my bf ran one of the dogs in her classes. She came 6th and 9th :o), although Nell (the other dog!) did even better and got a 1st and a 2nd, which we were very happy about. Nell has good shows and bad shows, so definitely a good show for Nell. Nell loves going through the tunnels and has a habit of not actually going over the jumps but just running under them if she spots a tunnel in her eyeline, which then gets her disqualified!

Sunday I was at a church service celebrating 150years of the Cadet movement in the local boys high school and in the town. I got my own special invite because the CCF unit are affiliated with the Branch of the RBL that I go to, and I go down and help file their paperwork most weeks (they were shockingly behind in their filing before I went and helped and got it all sorted for them!). They think I am little crazy that I like filing things away but I just like being organised and get into a little system and what I can get filed away into their cabinets in an hour is more than what they can manage in 5hrs (so I've been told!). Then the mid-lent fair is in town, so me and my parents had a walk-through it before heading home.

Monday I was at school helping out in the class that I have been in since October. It's amazing to see how much the kids have changed and developed over the year, especially after not being there for a few weeks because of being in hospital and on IVs. The lowest group have all moved on in leaps and bounds and while they may not be near the top end of the class still the gap between them and most of the class in the middle has definitely shrunk, it was so good to see some of those who had little confidence in their reading abilities to have soared and become loads more confident. I was also asked if I was free on thursday (which I was) and if I would be able to go on their school trip with them as they still needed another adult helper. To which I said yes, so tomorrow I will be going to Belton House and have a group of 6children to be in charge of (the class is a group of 30 and their are 5adults). Then in the evening I went to the gym for my induction session, where we worked out what my goals are for going to the gym and what equipment I would like to use. Then I did about 5mins on each just to see how they work and what levels of difficulty I should be aiming for on them for them to be a benefit to start with, then hopefully the more I go I should be able to increase those to continue getting a benefit. I havent been back since then but will hopefully make it in the next few days.

Tuesday me and my bf went to somebodys house to look at somethings they were selling (he had brought a football table off her and wanted me to look at some dvds that she also had for sale) and we came away with 3board games and 2 books for me as well :o) . We then met my brothers partner and her little girl and went round the fair with them going on some rides ( I got to go on the teacups with her and a giant inflatable slide-she reached the top then nearly burst into tears because she was too scared to come down by herself). Her mum doesn't do fair rides anyway, but is currently pregnant so couldnt of gone on them. Then before we left my bf took her on the carousel (he was the favourite for the afternoon!) and we went to morrisons cafe for some tea.

Then me and my bf went and looked at a hamster cage (which we brought) and we also stopped off and I brought myself a hamster. I have wanted one for awhile and now I have one. She is called skittles (I don't know why, its just what I decided on!) and is a golden colour. The cage has some plastic tubing that she can crawl around in which is she really loving at the minute, in fact she is asleep in it right now on one of the bends! She crawled out of the tubing to get some food, took it back into the tubing then dropped it so its sat in the tube. So I think she is feeling safer in there at the minute than the main part of the cage. Although she has been in that part quite abit in the wheel which she also seems to love. I didn't hear her in the night but when I got up to go to the bathroom I could hear her running in the wheel.

Thats me about all caught upto date.

My day

I was right about my tea yesterday-definitely wasn't random but definitely was yummy!! I had roast chicken, mash potato, peas, sweetcorn, carrots, yorkshire pudding and gravy. That was followed by mummy made rice pudding-delicious!!

Today I went through all my clothes- got rid of the ones I didn't want and then generally tidied my wardrobe and drawers up. After that all the clothes I have are nicely put away and there's even a little room left for some new tops or trousers- now that's good tidying :o)
I then met up with my mum and we went shopping for my dads birthday presents. It's been good spending time with my mum yesterday and tomorrow (although my grandma is convinced that's because I'm ill and needed looking after which isn't true).
This afternoon I went to one of the gym's in town- Ocean's health & fitness and joined it. I have been thinking about this for the last few weeks. So now instead of doing kickboxing (as i can't afford both) I will be attending the gym. It looks like a good one (and one of my friends goes and says its very friendly). It also has a swimming pool attached to it, which is more private and most importantly CLEANER than the one in the local leisure centre. I am looking forward to being able to go swimming there quite regularly as well as using the x-trainer in the actual gym part and the treadmill and excercise bike. I don't think I will ever really be using the weights side to it but I will have the option should I chose. Also as part of the monthly fee I will have access to different fitness classes, so I may take part in some of them as well. I'm interested in some of the cycle or step ones. Particularly the step ones as I like that excercise on my wii fit plus and find it quite beneficial.
For tea tonight I had something abit random again:This is 2chicken breasts smothered in bbq sauce and cheese with pasta in a tomato and basil sauce. It was really quite scrummy and there was nothing left on the plate by the end of it.

My mum is really shocked when she hears what I've been eating recently. I never used to eat any kind of sauce (so that would of been plain chicken breast with plain pasta), or cheese. In fact until I was about 12 I wouldn't eat chips, however even now I prefer only the skinny chips or "french fries" as opposed to normal chips like from a chip shop. I will eat more french fries than I will chip shop chips (so I'm still quite picky). I would never have pizza but now love it and I would never of had anything like the meal I've just devoured today!!!

I'm still trying new things out and seeing if I like it now or not, I think part of this is because I'm choosing to try it and not being made too. Also it lends for abit of variety in life as well.

Pizza

Here is a picture of my homemade pizza. For toppings I went with bbq sauce as the base, followed by mozarella cheese, ham, more mozarella cheese and then some sweetcorn. I then had more bbq sauce for dipping the slices in once it was cooked (which is what you can see in the middle of the plate between the 4 quarters).
That's all. Tomorrow I am being fed by my mum so I doubt it will be anything all that weird, but thursday I have got some chicken smothered in bbq sauce and cheese to cook, which I think I will have with chips.

Random meal

I have decided that at times the best thing you can do when you have CF and know it's important to eat, is to go with whatever it is your craving even if it leads to some pretty unusual combinations. Hence what you see on my plate from last nights tea. This is ham and cheese toasties with bbq sauce to dip them in, with some spicy chicken pasta covered in a tomato sauce (you can buy it in single portion pots from asda, which is where mine is from). I must say it was pretty darn tasty as well!!

Currently I seem to have a thing for bbq sauce and also the pasta pot things!! Ham and cheese toasties have been a favourite for quite awhile and although it seems weird I think my hospital will just be glad to hear that I'm eating.

I am now debating though whether my tea combination was wors than my lunch combination- jacobs cream crackers with salt and vinegar chipsticks, a creme egg and packet of fruit pastilles. I sound so healthy! I would seriously recommend everyone to try cream crackers with salt and vinegar crisps though!!

Today for lunch I am going to be making myself a pizza- you might get a picture of that too!

I have also made a cake today and also plan on making some flapjack in the next few days as well.

Does bbq sauce go with cake or flapjack??????????????????